chelleyfae

wisdom from Père Henri of Chocolat

2011-04-10T18:50:00.000-07:00

"I do not know what the theme of my homily today ought to be. Do I want to talk about the miracle of our Lord's divine transformation? Not really, no. I don't want to talk about His divinity. I'd rather talk about His humanity. I mean, you know, how He lived His life here on earth. His kindness, His tolerance...Listen, here's what I think. I think we can't go 'round measuring our goodness by what we don't do, what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think we've got to measure goodness by what we embrace, what we create, and who we include."

Is your doctrine kind?

2011-04-10T17:01:00.000-07:00

I don't know who said this, but it pretty much hits the nail on the head ...

"The day your heart is kinder than your doctrine, rest assured it's not your heart that is wrong."

i know this much ... today

2010-11-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

So here's a little about my journey of questioning. I've come to know this much: 1) God 2) God loves 3) God loves everyone ... even though I don't see the expression of that played out everywhere ... even though I feel exclusion around me, yes even from people who say they follow Jesus and want to share God's love ... even though at times I feel so far removed from the presence of God that I can barely breathe. Even then I have to believe these three things if nothing else ... because my very existence only rests while in them.

Today that is. Who know where tomorrow will find my beliefs.

my "progressive" mind

2010-04-20T14:09:00.000-07:00

while having a facebook conversation this week, i realized that the things coming out of my brain, through my hands, and onto the computer were really quite liberal (if i wanted to put a label on it), at least progressive. thought i would capture a few lines here.

"let me dare to stretch your thinking a little more. eek. i am quite certain that it is simply a matter of time before gay marriages are honored ... and i am glad about that. i have several dear, god-loving friends who are gay and who have been openly discriminated against. one couple has been together for 26 years! ... much longer than a lot of heterosexual couples i know. they are genuine, loving, caring, kind, compassionate people, good parents, and very dear to god. who am i (are we) to tell them that god WILL NOT honor their union. lots of christians i know are full of greed and self-righteous arrogance. god doesn't look very lovingly on these traits. but we ignore them. somehow (as some believe) the "sin" of homosexuality is bigger than others. i don't understand this. "Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." NIV. we leave out the drunkards, thieves, slanderers, and swindlers. and perhaps, just perhaps, homosexual "offenders" means something different from homosexual committed couples.?. the couples i know do not "offend" anyone any more than the rest of humanity. another matter the church often turns a blind to is divorce. matthew 5 speaks of divorce quite negatively, yet the church often ignores this.
my point is it seems that homosexuality is often put at the top of the "sin list" and i continue to be amazed by that."

that's all ... just wanted to be able to read back on this later and see where i stand. my sins (and that word has yet to be defined to my satisfaction) are every bit as great as the next guy's or gal's. so are everyone else's. can't we all just spur each other on to be more decent, more loving, more generous, more like jesus.?.

journey thought

2009-07-14T14:52:00.000-07:00

I was visiting with a co-worker a day or two ago. She and her husband had just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary. I shared with her that Barry and I just had our 19th. As we were reminiscing and sharing how grateful we are for our husbands, the inevitible question arose. At least I hear this a lot: Would you do it all again? Of course. And yet ... there are good times and bad times, easy periods and extremely difficult periods, children planned and unplanned ... and the thougts of what would my life (or his life) have been like had we not married ... the list goes on. Eventually (and it really didn't take long!), we decided that yes, we would do it over again.

Then we began to wonder ... perhaps, if indeed we were given the chances and choices to begin our marriages again, could it be a tad bit conditional, sort of like how those elevators are set up in really tall buildings? Some often skip the 13th floor due to superstition, bad feelings, rumors of ghosts, etc. Could we just skip a year or two here and there (my preferred years would be 2 and 8 please, and maybe a couple of months of year 3, with a few weeks in year 12 - you get the idea) and still get to the same destination?

Humorous, yes. But, of course, impossible ... because the years 2 and 8 of our union (pick your own years to fill in here) are important and necessary sight-seeing detours on our journey. Sure, without them we probably would have arrived at the same place ... not nearly as well-versed in relating to each other, nowhere close to being as skilled as we are at being sacrificial and making peace (although I could use some more training in these areas), not having learned how to fully appreciate the scenery along the way ... really as two different people in a different marriage altogether.

So ... yes, I would, in fact, do it over again ... ALL over again.

Submitted by a proud wife, a strong supporter, and a faithful friend to my husband.

2009-04-26T07:55:00.000-07:00

Jesus would ride the bus.

a song of peace

2009-04-16T14:08:00.000-07:00

I'd like to build the world a home
and furnish it with love,
grow apple trees and honey bees ...
and snow white turtle doves.

I'd like to teach the world to sing
in perfect harmony;
I'd like to hold it in my arms
and keep it company.

I'd like to see the world for once
all standing hand in hand,
and hear them echo through the hills
for peace throughout the land.

That's the song I hear.
Let the world sing today
a song of peace that echoes on
and never goes away.

our measure of goodness

2009-03-19T18:17:00.000-07:00

from a sweet, quietly inspiring movie entitled Chocolat:

"Listen, here's what I think. I think we can't go around measuring our goodness by what we don't do, what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think we've got to measure our goodness by what we embrace, what we create, and who we include." Pere Henri

no dictation please

2009-03-19T18:15:00.000-07:00

A conversation with a friend {you know who you are ;-)} this week got me thinking again ... about how much many of us are concerned with what others think about us. I've given a lot of that up, but are we ever able to overcome those concerns fully? I certainly hope so.

Here's some food for thought:

"I wouldn't worry about what people thought about me so much if I realize how seldom they did." anonymous

"What people think about you is none of your business." anonymous

"You only have one life to live, and it will most certainly pass quicker than anticipated. Your life need not be dictated by others' expectations of you ... influenced by others, affected by others, inspired by others, yes ... but not dictated by others." Shelley

answers

2009-03-03T11:04:00.000-08:00

before you read this, you need to know that i have a bad attitude this week:

so i was looking online for a specific church that states its focus is on faith and justice issues.

while i'm hopeful that this is a wonderful church, with wonderful people ... i have to wonder about a statement on the website.

"If you are searching for God or just need a safe place to get your questions answered - we welcome you here".

wow. a place to get my questions answered. the problem is that one could visit a number of other churches, groups, denominations, etc. that would give completely different answers to my same questions. what if i'm not even looking to get my questions answered ... am i still welcome there? what if i think i know (some of) the answers and want to share with them, am i welcome to give my opinion there?

seems to me that if someone/some church/some denomination/some religion, etc. has the answers (at least if they claim to have them ALL) i would want to steer clear, especially if they are not willing to dialogue.

my experience has been that the more we seek the answers, the more questions we have. and the more we ask, the less the answers "fit" the questions we are actually asking.

not sure if this makes sense ... not sure if it needs to.

loving god, loving each other, loving me

2008-11-09T15:58:00.000-08:00

We are composed of our circumstances, our experiences, our relationships, our genetics, and personalities.

We are defined by our very existence, being the fruition of God's love and creativity.

We are shaped by the reflection of our hearts' desires, for what we truly value and believe we will live out.

We are on a journey of discovery together:
Together we remind each other that God has created us with a purpose.
Together we are strong; we grow in wisdom and discernment as our lives intermingle.
Together we explore, recognize and affirm one another's unique identities.

So it seems loving God, loving each other and loving ourselves is beautiful and complete while in community.

Thanks for being my community and for being on this journey with me.

2008-10-24T08:51:00.000-07:00

In response to a post of Tim Neufeld

(partial posting listed below my response):

Tim,
I remember reading your article and being drawn in ... again ... to the new ways of thinking, praying, worshiping, experiencing, expressing our love to, and for, God. I have taken part in a prayer labyrinth and it was the most moving and meaningful prayer experience in probably, well probably ever. There are practices that other persons of faith (whether Christian or other) that I don't understand and that do not resonate with me. But I would never assume that just because I don't "get" them I should ban those practices for all or be afraid of them ... unless, of course, they are in direct conflict with the teachings of Jesus.

Amen to your refereces to some of our accepted "props" used in the church today: the organ, cymbals and tambourines, a sanctuary, pews, the sermon, the baptistry, the professional pastor, etc. I am grateful for the church building, especially on days with extreme climate difficulties. I appreciate the many giftings God has shared with those who are musical, creative, articulate, those who have vision and wisdom to share (even from the pulpit on occasion :-)).

I suppose I am sounding a bit defensive. It seems that I have held on to a tad bit of bitterness that stems from being raised in southern baptist churches (absolutely NO offense meant to fellow baptists!)that did not encourage me to think for myself, to ask questions, to let the Holy Spirit guide me and speak to me. I will not follow someone else's "recipe" for acceptable church gatherings, prayer practices, or anything else for that matter.

God is moving! God is moving people! God is moving people to different ways of living!

Let God be God.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

August 11, 2008
Ancient Spiritual Practices
I wrote an article for our monthly Mennonite Brethren publication, Christian Leader, entitled "The New Old Spirituality." The result was a fair amount of critique and criticism and three months worth of letters-to-the-editor. My intent was to demonstrate how teens and young adults are vitalized by new forms of prayer, forms which have their roots in ancient practices. Here's a thrilling image: teens waiting in line to pray! Somehow that got lost amongst a discussion of what is orthodox or pagan. Prayer, it seems, is only to be practiced in certain approved fashions.
Here's what I've learned:
There are many MBs who are anti-Catholic; my apologies to my Catholic friends, people who are deeply committed to following Christ and his teachings.
There are many MBs who are afraid of anything new. Many complaints came from those saying that Menno (Simons) would never do this (whatever "this" practice might be). They point back to a standard that was set by Menno and must be maintained. Hmm, but didn't Menno himself start new practices? See http://rollovermenno.wordpress.com/ for more critique at this level from a group of folks who are self-proclaimed gatekeepers of Menno-traditions. [Update: I just discovered that this site is now password protected - not quite sure why.]
There are many MBs who are afraid of anything old (or older than 1525). Prayer labyrinths, lectio divina,the Jesus Prayer - not acceptable, they're not found in the Bible. Hmm, tell me again what verse the organ is found in? (I do think I saw some cymbals and tambourines mentioned a number of times however.) How about a sanctuary, pews, the sermon, the baptistry, the professional pastor, etc.?
Paranoia spreads quickly and anything a person disagrees with can be labeled heresy.
We're becoming more Southern Baptist by the day; my apologies to my SBC friends, people who are deeply committed to following Christ and his teachings.
If you are interested in reading the article that started the controversy, here it is. Here's a teaser as well:
Imagine this scene. Teens silently form a line in a hallway, patiently waiting late into the night to enter a room in which they will experience an ancient spiritual discipline: contemplative prayer. When they emerge from the prayer room an hour later, many have tears in their eyes, smiles on their faces and peace in their hearts. They have just walked a prayer labyrinth, an interactive eleven-station experience in which the participants learn to practice the presence of Christ. Scenes like this are happening again and again in churches, camps and conferences all over North America.

My treasure

2008-10-22T13:28:00.000-07:00

“Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
Matthew 6:21

While my direction the last two years has been pointed toward finishing the renovation of our house, I realize that it has shifted more lately toward the vitalization of my community.

While my focus has been ensuring that our house is more than a physical structure, that it is a home, I notice that I have been concentrating on solidifying the efforts that make my community my home, wherever they are.

While my actions have proven that I want to provide more than enough space for myself & my "stuff" and that I want to live freely and within my right to privacy, I acknowledge that I am interested in sharing my material possessions and broadening my "bubble", letting people get closer, sharing my time and energy more than ever before.

While my treasure has lain in these goals and in the tangibility of my own comfortable existence, I find that I am increasingly mindful of what it could mean to lose a bit of my own entitlements in order to be with, serve with, be in closer proximity to those in my community.

This being said, an idea that Barry came up with many months ago (and that I consistently shot down) won't get out of my head (or is it my heart?).

Communal living
What could/would this look like?

What would the benefits be?
environmental
community ever present
convenience
economical?
responsible
extended family
care for one another, as in physically should one of us become ill
losen my grip around what I consider "mine"
share vehicles / share kid care (more easily) / one Costco card!! hehe

What would the drawbacks be?
too much time with others?
not enough privacy?
relationships change?
accountability - sounds like a benefit, but feels like a drawback :-)
could all be a part? or only those who could contribute financially?

Many more questions ...

"Tell McCain to End the Politics of Hate" on youtube

2008-10-15T13:46:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5mdIPNB8t8

That brought on a 5-minute crying spell. Where are we headed as a human race, let alone a nation? Will we EVER learn how to love one another? ... respect one another? ... show grace to one another? ... at the very LEAST (using a word I have learned to despise) tolerate one another? I am so incredibly saddened to hear the hatred in these voices, to see the unjust practices in these hearts, and to sense the quiet call to continued violence.

derogatory response

2008-09-29T09:46:00.000-07:00

my response to a senseless forwarded derogatory e-mail about Obama (included at end of post):

The only way I know how to respond to this is: "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your heavenly Father, for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have? Do not the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brothers only, what is unusual about that? Do not the pagans do the same? So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect." Jesus

I feel for Obama and for McCain in the spotlight right now. All the candidates are taking a beating. I am surely grateful that (most) people don't judge me for my past or my upbringing. No one is the sum of all his or her mistakes, nor is anyone completely a product of his or her environment. We (we humans) are all works in progress and we have, hopefully, learned from our mistakes and have, or are working on, recovering from our imperfect relatives and selves. I've read these "truths" about Obama before. No one can know all about a person based on her or his ethnicity, upbringing, race, social status, financial position or faith practices. Our very own first amendment calls for freedom of religion. The Constitution does not require that our chief executive be of a Christian faith. I don't know what is in Obama's heart regarding his faith beliefs and practices, but he does claim to be Christian. What would be his purpose for lying about that?

There are things about this man that I may not think are right on (or should I say in line with my thinking). But one of his mottos is to take care of the poor and the oppressed. We have gradually become complacent about our love for each other, our care for each other, our support for the poor, the orphan, the widow and (as stated in the old testament) the alien. I remember another pretty important guy in history claiming that we should clothe and feed the poor and to love others. "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?" "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Talk about a great orator!

Peace, Shelley

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pilot's perspective on Obama

DO I HAVE THIS STRAIGHT?
HIS FATHER WAS A BLACK AFRICAN MUSLIM FROM KENYA .

WE HAVE SEEN PICTURES OF HIS AFRICAN FAMILY.
HIS MOTHER WAS A WHITE AMERICAN ATHEIST FROM KANSAS .

WHERE ARE THE PICTURES OF HIS AMERICAN FAMILY?
HIS FATHER DESERTED HIS MOTHER WHEN HE WAS ONLY TWO YEARS OLD

AND WENT BACK TO AFRICA BY WAY OF HARVARD UNIVERSITY .

HOW? WAS HIS FATHER WEALTHY?
HIS MOTHER MARRIED AN INDONESIAN MUSLIM

AND THEN MOVED TO JAKARTA WHERE HE WAS ENROLLED IN A MUSLIM SCHOOL
WHEN HE REACHED HIGH SCHOOL AGE HIS MOTHER SENT HIM TO HAWAII TO BE WITH HIS WHITE GRANDPARENTS AND HE WAS PUT INTO AN EXPENSIVE PRIVATE SCHOOL.

HE LATER WENT TO HARVARD UNIVERSITY .

HOW? WERE HIS GRANDPARENTS RICH?
HE LIVES IN A $1.4 MILLION HOUSE OBTAINED THROUGH A DEAL WITH A WEALTHY FUNDRAISER. HOW?
HE 'WORKED' AS A CIVIL RIGHTS ACTIVIST IN CHICAGO .

HE HAS NEVER HELD A PRODUCTIVE JOB OR RECEIVED A PAY CHECK THAT WAS NOT GOVERNMENT-FUNDED AND/OR TAYPAYER SUPPORTED.
THE PRESIDENCY IS NOT A CIVIL RIGHTS POSITION, NOR IS IT SUBJECT TO AFFIRMATIVE ACTION SET ASIDES; ON-THE-JOB TRAINING WON'T CUT IT.
HE ENTERED POLITICS AT THE STATE LEVEL AND THEN THE NATIONAL LEVEL WHERE HE HAS MINIMAL EXPERIENCE.
HE IS PROUD OF HIS 'AFRICAN HERITAGE' (A FATHER WHO GOT A GIRL PREGNANT AND DESERTED HER).
WHERE IS THE PRIDE IN HIS 'WHITE HERITAGE'? (A MOTHER WHO FLAUNTED CONVENTION AND DID NOT BELIEVE IN GOD).
SOME MIGHT THINK THERE WAS NOT MUCH TO BE PROUD OF EITHER WAY.
HE BELONGS, AND HAS BELONGED FOR OVER 20 YEARS, TO AN 'AFRO-CENTRIC' CHURCH IN CHICAGO THAT HATES WHITES, HATES JEWS, AND BLAMES AMERICA FOR ALL THE WORLD'S PERCEIVED FAULTS. (INCLUDING CREATING THE AIDS VIRUS IN ORDER TO INFLICT IT ON AFRICANS).
HE REPEATEDLY WHITEWASHES THE PASTOR, HIS CHURCH AND THE MEMBERS WHO CHEERED AFTER HEARING VITRIOLIC TIRADES AGAINST AMERICA ..
HE COULD NOT CONFRONT HIS PASTOR BUT HE WANTS US TO BELIEVE HE CAN CONFRONT NORTH KOREA AND IRAN ?
YEAH RIGHT ! !
DURING HIS VERY BRIEF TIME IN THE UNITED STATES SENATE HE HAS MANAGED TO AMASS THE NUMBER ONE ULTRA LIBERAL VOTING RECORD OUT OF THE ONE HUNDRED MEMBERS.
HE HAS VOTED CONSISTENTLY FOR BIGGER GOVERNMENT AND HIGHER TAXES. HE HAS VOTED FOR BIG ENTITLEMENTS AND LEGISLATION THAT WOULD SEVERELY CURTAIL AMERICA 'S ABILITY TO FIGHT TERRORISM AND TO PROTECT OUR BORDERS AND OUR NATIONAL INTERESTS AROUND THE WORLD.
BUT, HE IS A GOOD ORATOR. ISN'T THAT A COMFORT?
YEAH, I THINK I SEE HOW WELL HE COULD UNITE THE COUNTRY.
I THINK THE TRUTH IS THAT HE HOPES NO ONE WILL PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO OUR WANNABE CHIEF PILOT. HE HAS NEVER FLOWN AN AIRPLANE, IN FACT HE HAS NEVER EVEN SAT IN THE COCKPIT, BUT HE SAYS HE HAS RIDDEN ON PLANES BEFORE. WE ARE SURE HE WILL GUIDE US SAFELY THROUGH THE STORMS WE MAY ENCOUNTER ON THIS FLIGHT.
PEOPLE WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD THE STORY ABOUT THE WOLF HIDING IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING SO HE CAN DESTROY THEM FROM WITH-IN ? THE HAND WRITING IS ON THE WALL, DO YOU NOT HAVE EYES TO SEE IT ?THINK LONG AND HARD BEFORE YOU VOTE FOR THIS GUY! CO NSIDER YOUR KIDS & GRANDKIDS.
THEIR FUTURE IS IN OUR VOTING HANDS.

art

2008-09-26T13:29:00.001-07:00

creativity
freedom
insecurity
uninhibited
satisfying
mystical
mysterious
interpretational
personal
flowing
process
beautiful
cause and effect
daring
stages
capture
neat
messy
out of the box
in the lines
individualistic
communal
effective
liberating
emotional
story
snapshot
life
encompassing
deliberate
magnetic
inviting
compulsivity
moving
gratifying
simple
complex
texture
repulsive
feeling
perspective
binding
bonding
created
shared

missing Narnia

2008-09-23T18:57:00.000-07:00

A friend recently lost her beloved companion, her dog Narnia. I can imagine how much she'll miss him and how much she learned from him ...

"Wisdom usually does not fall from high places. The mighty and the splendid have taught me little. I have learned more from my dog than from all the great books I have read. The wisdom of my dog is the product of his inability to conceal his wants. When he yearns to be loved, there is no pouting in the corner. There are no games entitled "Guess what is the matter with me." He puts his head on my lap, wags his tail and looks up at me with kind eyes, waiting to be petted. No professor or sage ever told me I might live a more successful life if I simply asked for love when I needed it."

Gerry Spence

OH FRUIT!

2008-09-23T18:32:00.001-07:00

Spencer and I were out one afternoon and, not unlike a lot of afternoons (yes, Tamara, even with my directional pointer thingy in my car!), I got myself turned around. I couldn't think of the next street that I should be coming up on, but I thought that when I saw it I would know if I were going the right way ... or not. As we got closer and the letters came into focus, I shouted, "Oh Fruit!" ... because we were indeed going the wrong way and Fruit should NOT be the next street!

Spencer now believes this is my new expletive during times of frustration.

spencerisms

2008-09-23T18:29:00.000-07:00

copied, with the permission of the author :-), from barry's blogpage

"I'm made for action, not writing" [after being asked to slow down and write neatly].

"Do you wanna share my spit?" [as he offered me a drink]

"Dad, have we ever been to China?""No, we haven't", I replied."Then why do we have so many things that say 'Made in China'?"

"The best way to remember things is to do it again."

"Thief-stealer!"

"I'm not a boy. I'm a half-grown man."

"You're throttling me."

"Why are you running from the love?" [while chasing a cat through the house].

While playing with Jessica, he found himself on the floor wrapped in a blanket with his sister sitting on top of him playfully pounding him. He cried out "Thief! Thief" to get her to stop. She responded that she's not a thief because she's not stealing anything from him. He replied, "You're stealing my dignity!"

"Wait up for me so I can lead!"

"We're giving each other stuff. That's a nice feeling."

protect marriage?

2008-09-23T18:09:00.000-07:00

Even though my heart and mind aren't always on the same page regarding homosexuality, I fail to see how respecting a loving commitment between two people threatens heterosexual marriage. It sort of reminds me of how my theology (again, not always with my heart and mind on the same page) seems to threaten a fundamentalist's belief system. I don't get it. My marriage is safe even if my next door neighbors include a homosexual couple, married or not. My children aren't harmed. My values aren't compromised if "they" are my friends. It has absolutely no affect on my faith and my belief that all people are loved by God.

The e-mail below was sent to me from a local Christian church. The heading was "Protect marriage" and dislayed a picture of a beautiful family ... a mom and a dad and two kids holding hands, running across some field ... the American dream. Aside from the grammatical errors, which bother me and maybe shouldn't, the content contributes to the "in and out" language spoken or inferred in so many churches today.

"Dear, Friends
We are now 42 days away from being apart of changing America enough said we would like to invite you to join us Wednesday, September 24th in the Cornerstone Conference Center for our next Protect Marriage Conference Call at 10:00 am. You will not want to miss this Thursday for the first of 3 simulcast events that will take place before elections, this event will take place at 1445 Fulton Street in the Historic Wilson Theater at 7:00 pm.
Sincerely,
Jim Franklin

Cornerstone Church Conference Call: Cornerstone Conference Center, 1525 Fulton Street, Fresno, CA 93721 Wednesday 10:00 am
Simulcast:Historic Wilson Theater, 1445 Fulton Street, Fresno, CA 93721 Thursday, 7:00 pm"

in the silence, belief

2008-09-23T11:39:00.000-07:00

Jars of Clay "Silence"

take
take till there's nothing
nothing to turn to
nothing when you get through

won't you break
the scattered pieces of all i've been
bowing to ... all i've been
running to

where are you?
where are you?

did you leave me unbreakable?
did you leave me frozen?
i've never felt so cold
i thought you were silent

i thought you left me
the wreckage and the waste
on an empty beach of faith
was it true?

cause i ... i got a question
i got a question
where are you?

scream
deeper i wanna scream
i want you to hear me
i want you to find me

cause i ... i want to believe
but all pray is wrong
and all i claim is gone
and i got a question

where are you?
i got a question

well, i got a question
where are you?
where are you?
where are you?
where are you?

These are, at time, the lyrics of my heart. I wonder ... if we truly believe that God is always with us, living IN and through us, caring infinitely about us, loving us unconditionally, pursuing us, waiting for us, hoping for our trust and obedience ... if all this resonates as true to us ... how then do we not know and feel God's presence at all times.

Believing and feeling are not synonymous. We often expect to feel in love, feel God's love and God's presence continually. While that is not probable, maybe not even possible, what is available to us is making a choice to believe ... visiting that belief and renewing it again and again, perhaps once a year, once a month, once a week, day, minute. The choice, for me, is to believe in the god of the bible, the god of the ages, the god of the universe ... to believe in the god that loves us so much as to create for us, and grant to us responsibility for, the vastness of the earth ... to believe in the god who provides nature, art, beauty, thoughts, relationships for our enjoyment and our sustenance ... to believe in the god who designs us to love and be loved ... to believe in the god who formed our hearts and minds with an unquenchable longing for truth and understanding and an unquenchable craving for goodness ...

... to believe in a god that will never leave nor forsake us.

Josey

2008-09-23T10:08:00.001-07:00

So I just took the opportunity to view the movie North Country.
Based on a true account,

it is an amazingly powerful and motivational film

which comes highly recommended to anyone

interested in social justice issues and relationship reconciliation.

A single, seemingly insignificant woman by the sweet name of Josey,

began a vigorous battle to ban sexual harassment from the workplace.

Through bravery and perseverance, commitment to truth and justice,

she also began a more personal, perhaps more important movement ...

one gaining forgiveness and respect from her father,

and one offering the same to him.

Emotionally charged, somewhat difficult to endure, almost unbelievable,

and well worth your time.

This movie will stay with me for always.

Knowledge

2008-09-18T16:46:00.000-07:00

"Knowledge is not produced in the intentions of those who believe they hold it, whether in the pen or in the voice. It is produced in the process of interaction, between writer and reader at the moment of reading, and between teacher and learner at the moment of classroom engagement. Knowledge is not the matter that is offered as much as the matter that is understood. To think of fields or bodies of knowledge as if they are property of academics and teachers is wrong. It denies an equality in the relations at moments of interaction and falsely privileges one side of the exchange and what that side 'knows' over the other." David Luster

an open letter to a friend

2008-05-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

I struggle immensely with the idea of such a small percentage of God's created people being "allowed" into heaven, with the rest "condemned" forever. It has never ... and will never ... sit well with my soul. I simply have to trust that God's plan is for our best and that God does know what God is doing ... and that perhaps someday I will know fully, but for now I see but a poor reflection. I do find that I cannot teach/preach/share, etc. the theology and dogmatic, traditional, fundamental ideas that were imparted to me. They have never brought life to me, have never felt like good news to me, and actually do not ring fully true to me. I do hope this doesn't scare you ... at least not as much as it does my mother! ... but I cannot be silent about things that matter to me anymore (as Martin Luther King, Jr. said).

You might wonder why you are the recipient of my thoughts. Quite frankly, I do too! Perhaps you are safe so many miles away.?. I think it is because of something you said to me (or at least the way I thought I heard it!) many years ago when I was beginning to "grow up" to my questions and look my doubts straight in the eye. I thought you said that you weren't convinced that Jesus was the only path leading to God. It could have been what I wanted to hear ... I would never want to quote you incorrectly.

I do believe that Jesus' WAY is the way to freedom, peace, and an abundant life, but I am unsure that this "ticket" that one receives when saying the "sinner's prayer" is all there is to it. What I understand is that in mainstream Christianity we are taught that if we don't have that ticket, there is nothing but torment for us. I also believe that people, in the name of other religions, follow Jesus' ways, perhaps without ever uttering his name.

I am confused, hurt, and sometimes angry about the way I was spoon-fed beliefs, and wasn't encouraged to ask questions and listen to the Holy Spirit myself. At the same time, I am filled with hope that I know that I know God does love the world, that God is full of grace and his mercies are endless. If they are endless, that says to me that there is hope for everyone to be in God's presence forever.

Bam! I've hit you with a lot. I always wanted to discuss this at length with you and [your husband]. Maybe because I didn't get (or take) the opportunity with [your husband] I feel a certain urgency to converse with you about this. Please feel no pressure!! I feel like I have opened the floodgates ... and if you don't want to bob along with me it is no problem. I also recognize that this is a difficult conversation via e-mail.

So ... there's a pink tooth brush in my bathroom

2008-05-15T15:39:00.000-07:00

So ... there's a pink toothbrush in my bathroom ... which can mean only one thing. The pink toothbrush means that my Jess is home, be it for an evening, a weekend, a break, a summer.

I suppose it could also mean that she was home, but left it here. Then I am reminded that her visit was nice ... as always, and hope that she has a spare.

I am reminded what an incredible force she is in my life, the fact that the mere sight of her toothbrush thrusts such glee into my spirit. Not much in my life gives me more instant joy than this pink toothbrush.

I am reminded that, even at almost 20 years of age, she still likes hot pink.

I am reminded that, at age 3 she talked her daddy and me into laying pink carpet in her room. She was insistent that it matched her wall paper ... which it did.

I am reminded that the little thrill I get when I stumble to the bathroom early morning and see that flash of pink means that I love her ... and I like her ... and I appreciate her presence in my home.

I am reminded that, despite her busy life, her full social calendar and her many interests & projects, she takes time to be with me, with her family. She doesn't have to.

I am reminded, most of all, that when her pink toothbrush is here ... I can often find her on a couch or on Spencer's bed, curled up looking angelic and peaceful. I take some of the time I have with her to watch her sleep. Only a mother could really understand the rush of emotions a few minutes of that can bring. I hardly do myself.

It is bitter sweet to see the beautiful woman she has grown up to be. The sweet is seeing the woman who does not compromise her values, who resets her aspirations and goals as she discovers new things about herself and her world, the woman who is growing more and more comfortable with her own body, her sexuality, her sensuality, her creativity, her passions, her abilities, her God, and her worth; the bitter is knowing that I will probably not see that toothbrush in my bathroom on a regular basis for too much longer, as the woman she is will not be easily satisfied without venturing ... and without adventure.

Jessica,
I love your heart.
I love your smile.
I love your laugh.
I love your ways.

I love your humbleness in the midst of your confidence.
I love your freshness that you bring into a room unknowingly.
I love your softness and your femininity ... without trying, you are so beautiful.
I love your gentle way with those more feeble, more advanced in years, less advanced in years or of simple mind.
I love your empathy, your sympathy, your desire and ability to understand those different than you.
I love your simplicity ... alongside the complexities that make you who you are.
I love your spunk, your passion, your righteous anger at injustices. I love your creativity when seeking a solution, out of the box.
I love your future mate because I know that this mate will be, above all else, a good person, and will treat you with dignity and respect.
I love your future children, whether biological, adopted, or shared ... they will know they are loved by their maker and will feel terrific about who they are with your guidance.
I love your future care for me when I am unable to care for myself.

I hope my toothbrush will be welcome in your bathroom in the years to come. Yours is always and forever welcome here.

I love you.
Mom

hope in the midst of ickiness

2008-01-09T09:25:00.000-08:00

I often wonder why things cannot remain constant. I just want to live in peace, in harmony, in a steady rhythm of everyday activities. No more curve balls please. No more surprises. And then I wonder why we can't have less of some things. No more sickness. No more lack of understanding. No more impatience. No more violence. No more self-destruction. No more war. No more self-righteousness. No more judgments.

In the middle of my wonderings I see a hawk sitting, surveying, keeping watch, waiting. Okay, I know he is just looking for food, but I think of Daddy every single time I see one (who's body has been gone from this earth 6+ years now). Watching ... still ... calm ... high above it all ... unaffected by the trials and the inconsistencies of this life any longer (right?).

I'm reminded that eventually we WILL have continual peace and be engulfed in God's presence forever. Until then, that promise of hope & peace helps me to carry on ... in the here and now. Now I can face, and perhaps help, my patient that comes in inebriated or on drugs, trying to deal with this life and its problems. Now I can refocus my spirit and change my attitude. Now I can extend God's grace to the unlovable and the spiritually destitute. Now I can know God's love and share it, pour it out.

Now I can live with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Really? Really! But I am still striving to have/get/do/experience.find these as constants in the daily ickiness of life.

Where there is despair, hope ...

2007-12-05T14:08:00.000-08:00

Hope (or faith) is hard to find in the face of poverty, injustice, environmental deterioration, violence, poor health, and the lack of human decency that we feel in so many hearts. These things make the world a depressing place if there is not hope that they will not change. Occasionally they keep me up at night, keep me wondering where God is in these situations. The God I believe in is capable of presenting Godself in everyone and in everything. But it seems as if God doesn't. Instead God waits. God pursues us till we can no longer handle the pressure of this life without God. Our circumstances may never change, but our despair can be turned into hope.

Haven't you seen it all your life, really, if you stop and think about it? Many of us wait until something traumatic has entered into our lives before we truly acknowledge that we had hope and never knew we needed it, before we try to get into an intimate relationship with God.

The finding of God ... the acknowledgement that God IS ... that realization that God created us on purpose and with a purpose ... this is hope to me.

Maybe hope isn't really that hard to find. Maybe it really isn't as elusive as we might think. Perhaps we don't know what hope looks like. Hope may look like, even if in small glimpses:

* the many sounds of a mockingbird
* the face of a child sleeping
* relinquishment of our own desires
* food for someone who is hungry
* clothes for someone in need
* a human touch for someone with AIDS
* the infinite color of greens
* the wistful sway of a willow tree
* the sunrise ... day after day
* the laughter of a child
* the release after a cry
* the comfort of a hug
* the unexpected call from a friend
* silliness & surprise
* life in the midst of death
* music ... art ... beauty
* the feeling of "I think I can"
* the swell of emotion when in love
* the dance
* springtime after the dead of winter
* a brook that is constant in its flowing, but inconsistent in that its contents are always changing.
* a freedom found only when knowing that this life is not our own ... it is not to be held onto ... it is finite and infinite ... it is not without purpose.

Hope does (or can) spring eternal.